How can Christians disagree better
Gavin Ortlund - YouTube video transcription
In this video, let's talk about how to conduct disagreements in a way that honors Christ. I think this is a huge issue in our society right now. I just read recently—I mentioned this in my book, The Art of Disagreeing—that Thanksgiving meals are getting shorter because of political disagreements. I thought, what a telling indicator of where society is going: it's harder to even spend as much time with people because of disagreements. And I especially think about Christians. Many of us have difficult, painful disagreements in our lives with family members, with friends, with those in our very church. And we know that how we conduct these disagreements bears upon the credibility of the gospel for onlookers. And so we want to do this in a Christ-honoring way, but it's very difficult. Hopefully, you'll experience this video as a pressure-release valve, not any sense of judgment or pressure, but rather just practical steps forward.
Here are some strategies for how to make progress in the midst of difficult disagreements. Sometimes you have to play the long game too, and it's going to be many years of just working at the relationship and so forth. Now, the thumbnail for this video is meant in humor in response to Trent Horn's hilarious thumbnail from last week, but also because I'm going to mention Trent as a great model for how to do disagreements, as well as several others.
So let's work through this quickly. I'm going to go a little bit off script and just speak from my heart here. Here are five strategies for how we might make progress in honoring Christ in the midst of a disagreement: curiosity, study, kindness, listening, and persuasion. Those last two are the most practical. And at the end, I want to share an illustration from Corrie Ten Boom that is so moving, I might get choked up when I read it, because it's just the heart of it all, which is the love of Christ flowing through us.
But first, very briefly, let's work through some of these.
According to George Watson, Lewis valued their disagreements and even tried to prolong them. “Lewis did not share the views of friends like Tolkien in matters concerning literature or religion, or not always, but then agreement would have spoiled the game. And Lewis tried in debate to keep disagreement going for as long as he reasonably could, and sometimes longer.” He says basically that what he learned from Lewis is the art of disagreement. Just picture this: the Inklings are gathered around in the pub, and something has come up—a difference of literary judgment about a work they're reading together. Dyson or Tolkien just won't budge, and Lewis won't budge either, and there's this joyful elevation as they're contending for their points. There's a twinkle in Lewis's eye and so forth. Handled well, the best disagreements can be like this. They can be productive and enjoyable. Of course, they're not always going to be like that. But at the very least, we want to ask where we can be more curious, especially about the garden-variety disagreements we have. Maybe it's a great way to learn. That's a good step to start with.
I mean studying the psychology and sociology of disagreement. In the heat of the moment, we will often experience disagreements as annoying. There's this unpleasant feeling of cognitive disonance that comes up, and you think, “How in the world could they say that?” There's a reason for that in our psychology. Jonathan Haidt has written this fascinating book about our disagreements called The Righteous Mind: How Good People Are Divided on Politics and Religion. One of his insights is that we're wired by nature to be very loyal to a tribe. He says people are groupish: we love to join teams, clubs, leagues, and fraternities. He's exploring these social dimensions as well as the role of our intuitions and emotions in our disagreements. None of that removes the fact that somebody's right, somebody's wrong, or it's 50-50 or whatever. This doesn't solve the disagreement, but it's helpful to be reflective on our own psychology in the middle of it, and to realize there's a reason these feelings come up and we need to be prepared for them.
It's also helpful to understand a little bit about different human personalities. We tend to assume that our way of doing things is the normal way and others' way is abnormal, but in reality we're all a little different, and we handle disagreements differently. Here's one example. You don't have to like or agree with this exact example to appreciate the broader principle. In social psychology, there's a theory about two contrasting ways people deal with disagreement: rhinos are more aggressive, and they charge when they're disagreeing with someone; hedgehogs are more defensive, and they use their prickles as a shield. As one book puts it,
Let me make a qualification: I'm talking about ordinary garden-variety disagreements. None of this is formulaic; all of it is nuanced and complicated, so let's leave space for more extreme disagreements, like dealing with an abusive or violent person. I'm going to talk a lot about open-hearted kindness to other people in the midst of a disagreement, but that doesn't apply the same way in every situation. In more extreme situations, it's totally valid to protect yourself. In fact, I think one important discipline is knowing when not to engage, and that's a biblical principle. You see in Titus 3 the idea that "after one and two warnings", don't continue on in disputes. There are other warnings in the pastoral epistles about getting into foolish controversies. Jesus gave this command to his disciples: shake the dust off your feet in certain situations. We're not called to be friends equally with everybody. There's a time to protect yourself and not engage.
But in the general course of events—if you're watching this video and have a deep-seated, intractable disagreement with a parent, a roommate, another friend, or a person at your church, and you're trying to figure out how to make progress—I will say the power of kindness to clarify the disagreement is easy to undervalue.
As the years go by, I think about this more and more. There's something about kindness that not only makes the disagreement more pleasant, but actually makes clearer where the disagreement lies. I often think of heat and light: the more heat there is, often the light goes down. The angrier people get, the harder it is, and pretty soon you're saying, “What are we even disagreeing about?”
The simple practice of praying for the person you disagree with and, in your heart, wishing well upon them can help. I know this is complicated; you may not have an equal relationship with every person, but you can still do this. Picture that person if God were to work positively in their life. If they're not a Christian, imagine God drawing them to himself, and imagine them a million years into heaven. Picture what they would be like in that state, and then in your heart, wish that upon them. That's a great practice for navigating disagreements. Next time you go into a conversation, pray—think of someone like them, pray them toward that, and then have the disagreement.
In the great novel The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky, the hero is a 20-year-old young man named Alyosha. He's an unusual hero because, in contrast to the more active characters around him, he doesn't do much. He's quiet and receptive. But when all the dust settles, it's what's represented by him that triumphs and redems everyone else around him. What stands out above all about Alyosha is his lack of contempt for others. Even in their own wretchedness, he doesn't have disdain and contempt for them. I love the counsel he gets about the power of love:
There are two ways we can grow in that. Number one, avoid speaking contemptuously about people when they're not around. If you have this rolling of the eyes and exasperation toward someone, and you're constantly venting about them to others, then when you go to speak to that person, it's going to be hard to switch gears. If you need to speak negatively of someone, do it in a measured way, as necessary, not just venting, so that your heart is not poisoned toward them. Second, and this is really key in all our disagreements, give thought to the experiences and, above all, to the pain or fear that may be underneath the disagreement. In a lot of disagreements, all we see is the tip of the iceberg, and we don't see everything else going on underneath. You have no idea what that person may be going through, and it helps you see their humanity. They may be profoundly suffering or anxious. Maybe not, but it's good to remember that and give it consideration. Kindness helps our disagreements.
I want to take a second to give thanks to those who disagree with me but provide a good model of how to do that. I could mention so many people. I mentioned Trent Horn in the thumbnail and earlier; he's the one who immediately comes to mind. He and I have deep disagreements, and we've debated each other and gone back and forth over the years, making our cases. Never once have I felt disdain or contempt from him, or that he's trying to poison the well, attack me, tear me down personally, or destroy me. Unfortunately, that happens on the internet, but I've never felt that from him. On the contrary, he keeps it on the arguments, and after we debate, we still have a good relationship. I think that's how it can be, and that's a good model for us all. There are many others. I recently had the honor of going on Matt Fradd's podcast, and we talked things through. He had written an article offering a critical perspective on praying to the saints, with a really insightful dialogue written out. After reading it, I thought, “This is how it can be.” There's no contempt, disdain, or hatred; we're just arguing about where we disagree, with kindness and humanity. That's a good model for us all.
There are so many people I could mention. Justin Schieber and I—he's, I think, still, I think he'd call himself an atheist—had a dialogue on divine hiddeness. I remember thinking it was a lot of fun: carefully working through things and seeing where we disagree. This is how it can be; it doesn't need to have enmity. In the Eastern Orthodox tradition, Father Stephen DeYoung and I have had numerous discussions about deep-seated disagreements. Never once have I felt that he's trying to tear me down personally, discredit me, or paint me as a toxic person. Rather, we're just having a professional disagreement, working through things. When I was at the marriage conference in California last year with Fr. Josiah Trenum and many other Eastern Orthodox Christians, it was the same thing. We have deep-seated disagreements, but that doesn't need to lead to enmity or lack of charity.
I'm mentioning some good models because I want us all to aim toward that and conduct our disagreements with charity. One last point before we move on: earlier I mentioned it's sometimes hard to know when to keep engaging with someone and when not to. In my book, I give a number of questions to work through that might help... I won't take time to read them right now. If you're struggling with when to keep talking and when not to, these questions might be helpful. The Art of Disagreeing goes into that more.
Disagreement is usually not just about an explicit difference of judgment. It usually relates to a deeper difference of value, experience, or presupposition that we don't fully see. The only way to make progress in understanding why the other party disagrees so much is to slow down and listen. In any conversation, you may not fully see things right away; you have to listen, try to draw the other person out, and make progress in understanding. This is illustrated in an often-cited image: a man is holding onto a woman at the edge of a cliff. The man cannot see the snake biting the woman's arm, and the woman cannot see the boulder crushing the man. Each one is tempted to be exasperated. The man might think, “Why doesn't she pull herself up? Can't she tell that I'm being crushed?” The woman might think, “Why won't he pull me up? Can't he see I'm getting bitten? I'm about to fall.” Something like this can happen in many disagreements: you're not fully aware of the pain, anxiety, or thought process on the other side. The only way to make progress is to carefully listen.
A couple of ways we can do this. Number one, be patient in arriving at a conclusion. Part of listening is hanging in there a little bit and not immediately feeling like you have to rush to judgment. James 1:19 says, “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” What a great reminder for us in our disagreements. We don't have to immediately have an opinion. We can hang in there and keep drawing the person out a little bit.
A second thing we can do is ask clarifying questions. Sometimes you're in the middle of a disagreement and realize somehow we've gotten on different wavelengths. I'm not sure how, but we're just not in sync. A helpful way to get back on the same wavelength is to ask questions, especially in a non-adversarial way: “Help me understand this,” or “Tell me more about that. I'm curious why you said this over here.” You always need to be sincere in asking these questions, but they can help get you back in sync. Listening helps clarify where the disagreement even is.
I have a lot more to say about this, but I'll just say this last thing: pay attention to the little details of what someone says. Careful listening involves embracing complexity and nuance and treating each person on their own. Sometimes a little stray comment will give you enough information to follow up on, and this can result in ministry as well.
Let me give a scenario. Somebody mentions that their father is ill, but they don't make a big deal out of it. You're paying attention to the little details, so you remember that six months ago they also said their father was ill. Is he ill again? You ask, “Hey, I noticed you mentioned your father was ill. I remember you said that before. Is there anything I can be praying for you about?” This is a great thing you can do, even for people who are not followers of Jesus—just offer prayer. It's amazing the ministry opportunities and open doors for progress that can come about with little questions like that. It starts with noticing the little details.
The book of Proverbs has a lot to say in praise of persuasive speech. So how do we grow in persuasion? Many ancient cultures valued rhetoric as an area of study alongside math, history, and other things.
Trust and tact To finish off, here are two ways we can grow in persuasion: trust and tact. Before I say these, let me say that persuasion has never been more difficult, I don't think. I recently read a New Yorker article called “Why Facts Don't Change Our Minds.” It was basically about a study done at Stanford in the 1970s, documenting how, once people have formed an opinion, it's very difficult for facts and data to dislodge it. The article says, “Coming from a group of academics in the 1970s, the contention that people can't think straight was shocking; it isn't any longer.” This has been clarified more and more, and of course we see it increasing today, probably with the role of the internet. It's very difficult to persuade people. This is the first point I want to make about trust.
In ancient Greek rhetoric, the three skills of persuasion were often broken down into logos, pathos, and ethos.
· Logos is the content of your speech, how you use logic to influence people.
· Pathos is your appeal to emotions and your own emotions to try to influence and persuade.
· Ethos refers to your credibility; it's your overall trustworthiness.
All of these are obviously important, but many studies suggest the most important is ethos. This is such a paradigm shift for many of us. If we're trying to make progress in a disagreement, we often assume what will really make the difference is having a stronger argument or saying it in a more compelling way. But actually, the biggest ingredient in any act of persuasion is simply: is the speaker trusted?
Trust is the most important ingredient in all communication. This is a paradigm shift. We realize we need to focus on that. Obviously, we can't fully control whether other people trust us, but we can do some things to help build that.
Act like Paul in 2 Corinthians 2:17, being sincere and speaking in the sight of God. I love that metaphor: speaking in an open, transparent, trustworthy way. When we've lost trust, sometimes being willing to apologize can restablish it. Sometimes it really helps to be sincere, honest, and candid. In a disagreement, it probably won't help trust if you're not open about where you're coming from and what your goal is in the conversation. Being human, kind, honest, and vulnerable can establish trust over time. Just being aware of that helps us know trust is key in any act of persuasion.
The second thing is tact, which means saying things in a way that reduces defensiveness and helps the other party save face whenever we can, not making them feel like a deer in the headlights.
All of this is complicated. In some disagreements, you have to be more blunt. But especially early on, it's worth considering how we can reduce adversarial language. There are ancient figures of speech like litotes, stating a positive in a negative—a form of understatement—or ways of reframing. If you work in a shoe store and someone is trying on shoes, there's a subtle but real difference between saying, “Your foot is way too big for this shoe,” and “This shoe is too small for your foot.” You're saying the same thing, but the second subtly puts a little less pressure on the other party. These are the kinds of things to think about: How can I persuade this person? How can I win them over? I've thought of and worked through all kinds of scenarios in classes about this, but let me just say: it's not wrong to be diplomatic, and it's not contrary to truth to think of the most persuasive and effective way to make your case, provided you're doing it with charity and sincerity.
Let me finish with this. Even when you do your best—and all of us fall short—we are all humble pilgrims. None of us is here saying, “Our team does disagreement right and you do it wrong. I do it right, you do it wrong.” No, no, no. Jesus is our model. We're all humble pilgrims trying to do better, and this video is trying to give us some practical steps.
Thanks for watching, everybody. ...
The original video is here
HU
So let's work through this quickly. I'm going to go a little bit off script and just speak from my heart here. Here are five strategies for how we might make progress in honoring Christ in the midst of a disagreement: curiosity, study, kindness, listening, and persuasion. Those last two are the most practical. And at the end, I want to share an illustration from Corrie Ten Boom that is so moving, I might get choked up when I read it, because it's just the heart of it all, which is the love of Christ flowing through us.
But first, very briefly, let's work through some of these.
Curiosity
Do you ever think we can be more curious about our disagreements? Years ago, I read about a pastor who responded to critiques of a book he wrote. Instead of having areas of agreement and areas of disagreement, he had areas of agreement and “intriguing.” And I thought, what a great way to categorize disagreements. Of course, this doesn't work for every disagreement, but as a general habit, it's good to cultivate curiosity about our disagreements. Without disagreements, life would be more boring. Somebody once said, you get married for your similarities, but you stay married for your differences. Disagrements are fascinating: why does that other person genuinely look at this situation differently? The Inklings, the literary group that C.S. Lewis and J. R. Tolkien belonged to, had a lot of disagreements. Talk about a Catholic-to-Protestant disagreement, of course, between Lewis and Tolkien, but even just on literary taste, they had disagreements.According to George Watson, Lewis valued their disagreements and even tried to prolong them. “Lewis did not share the views of friends like Tolkien in matters concerning literature or religion, or not always, but then agreement would have spoiled the game. And Lewis tried in debate to keep disagreement going for as long as he reasonably could, and sometimes longer.” He says basically that what he learned from Lewis is the art of disagreement. Just picture this: the Inklings are gathered around in the pub, and something has come up—a difference of literary judgment about a work they're reading together. Dyson or Tolkien just won't budge, and Lewis won't budge either, and there's this joyful elevation as they're contending for their points. There's a twinkle in Lewis's eye and so forth. Handled well, the best disagreements can be like this. They can be productive and enjoyable. Of course, they're not always going to be like that. But at the very least, we want to ask where we can be more curious, especially about the garden-variety disagreements we have. Maybe it's a great way to learn. That's a good step to start with.
Study
Second of all, study.I mean studying the psychology and sociology of disagreement. In the heat of the moment, we will often experience disagreements as annoying. There's this unpleasant feeling of cognitive disonance that comes up, and you think, “How in the world could they say that?” There's a reason for that in our psychology. Jonathan Haidt has written this fascinating book about our disagreements called The Righteous Mind: How Good People Are Divided on Politics and Religion. One of his insights is that we're wired by nature to be very loyal to a tribe. He says people are groupish: we love to join teams, clubs, leagues, and fraternities. He's exploring these social dimensions as well as the role of our intuitions and emotions in our disagreements. None of that removes the fact that somebody's right, somebody's wrong, or it's 50-50 or whatever. This doesn't solve the disagreement, but it's helpful to be reflective on our own psychology in the middle of it, and to realize there's a reason these feelings come up and we need to be prepared for them.
It's also helpful to understand a little bit about different human personalities. We tend to assume that our way of doing things is the normal way and others' way is abnormal, but in reality we're all a little different, and we handle disagreements differently. Here's one example. You don't have to like or agree with this exact example to appreciate the broader principle. In social psychology, there's a theory about two contrasting ways people deal with disagreement: rhinos are more aggressive, and they charge when they're disagreeing with someone; hedgehogs are more defensive, and they use their prickles as a shield. As one book puts it,
“Just as animals respond differently to attack, so people react differently when hurt and angry. There are two major patterns of behavior, and it would appear that the population is split roughly 50-50. Half of the population are like the rhino. When they are angry, they let you know it. The other half of the population are like the hedgehog. When they feel angry, they hide their feelings.”
Maybe you'd dispute that it's 50-50. That's fine. The broader principle is being aware of our own unique temptations. If you're a rhino or a hedgehog, either way, you'll have unique temptations, because sometimes godly disagreement means speaking up. It doesn't always mean just being conciliatory. Look at Christ in the Gospels as a great model for us. Knowing our own temptations helps, and so does knowing that other people handle disagreement differently. Learning about that can be profoundly helpful, not necessarily for resolving things. Studying how the internet exacerbates our disagreements and how algorithms prey upon us is also helpful. You can see my recent video on the dangers of online apologetics for more on that.
Kindness
Third, and this may be the heart of the video and the main thing I want to say, is the role of kindness.Let me make a qualification: I'm talking about ordinary garden-variety disagreements. None of this is formulaic; all of it is nuanced and complicated, so let's leave space for more extreme disagreements, like dealing with an abusive or violent person. I'm going to talk a lot about open-hearted kindness to other people in the midst of a disagreement, but that doesn't apply the same way in every situation. In more extreme situations, it's totally valid to protect yourself. In fact, I think one important discipline is knowing when not to engage, and that's a biblical principle. You see in Titus 3 the idea that "after one and two warnings", don't continue on in disputes. There are other warnings in the pastoral epistles about getting into foolish controversies. Jesus gave this command to his disciples: shake the dust off your feet in certain situations. We're not called to be friends equally with everybody. There's a time to protect yourself and not engage.
But in the general course of events—if you're watching this video and have a deep-seated, intractable disagreement with a parent, a roommate, another friend, or a person at your church, and you're trying to figure out how to make progress—I will say the power of kindness to clarify the disagreement is easy to undervalue.
As the years go by, I think about this more and more. There's something about kindness that not only makes the disagreement more pleasant, but actually makes clearer where the disagreement lies. I often think of heat and light: the more heat there is, often the light goes down. The angrier people get, the harder it is, and pretty soon you're saying, “What are we even disagreeing about?”
The simple practice of praying for the person you disagree with and, in your heart, wishing well upon them can help. I know this is complicated; you may not have an equal relationship with every person, but you can still do this. Picture that person if God were to work positively in their life. If they're not a Christian, imagine God drawing them to himself, and imagine them a million years into heaven. Picture what they would be like in that state, and then in your heart, wish that upon them. That's a great practice for navigating disagreements. Next time you go into a conversation, pray—think of someone like them, pray them toward that, and then have the disagreement.
In the great novel The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky, the hero is a 20-year-old young man named Alyosha. He's an unusual hero because, in contrast to the more active characters around him, he doesn't do much. He's quiet and receptive. But when all the dust settles, it's what's represented by him that triumphs and redems everyone else around him. What stands out above all about Alyosha is his lack of contempt for others. Even in their own wretchedness, he doesn't have disdain and contempt for them. I love the counsel he gets about the power of love:
“At some thoughts one stands perplexed, especially at the sight of men's sin, and wonders whether one should use force or humble love. Always decide to use humble love. If you resolve on that once and for all, you may subdue the whole world. Loving humility is marvelously strong, the strongest of all things. There's nothing else like it.”
Sometimes people have the wrong idea about kindness and think kindness is weakness. No. Loving your enemies, praying for those who persecute you, wishing well upon people—even if you're not engaging with them, you still wish well upon them and pray for them—is not easy. It's very difficult to do, but it's a powerful way to honor Christ amidst our disagreements. When you have Alyosha's sincerity in your heart, without contempt for people, it can clarify things over the years.
There are two ways we can grow in that. Number one, avoid speaking contemptuously about people when they're not around. If you have this rolling of the eyes and exasperation toward someone, and you're constantly venting about them to others, then when you go to speak to that person, it's going to be hard to switch gears. If you need to speak negatively of someone, do it in a measured way, as necessary, not just venting, so that your heart is not poisoned toward them. Second, and this is really key in all our disagreements, give thought to the experiences and, above all, to the pain or fear that may be underneath the disagreement. In a lot of disagreements, all we see is the tip of the iceberg, and we don't see everything else going on underneath. You have no idea what that person may be going through, and it helps you see their humanity. They may be profoundly suffering or anxious. Maybe not, but it's good to remember that and give it consideration. Kindness helps our disagreements.
I want to take a second to give thanks to those who disagree with me but provide a good model of how to do that. I could mention so many people. I mentioned Trent Horn in the thumbnail and earlier; he's the one who immediately comes to mind. He and I have deep disagreements, and we've debated each other and gone back and forth over the years, making our cases. Never once have I felt disdain or contempt from him, or that he's trying to poison the well, attack me, tear me down personally, or destroy me. Unfortunately, that happens on the internet, but I've never felt that from him. On the contrary, he keeps it on the arguments, and after we debate, we still have a good relationship. I think that's how it can be, and that's a good model for us all. There are many others. I recently had the honor of going on Matt Fradd's podcast, and we talked things through. He had written an article offering a critical perspective on praying to the saints, with a really insightful dialogue written out. After reading it, I thought, “This is how it can be.” There's no contempt, disdain, or hatred; we're just arguing about where we disagree, with kindness and humanity. That's a good model for us all.
There are so many people I could mention. Justin Schieber and I—he's, I think, still, I think he'd call himself an atheist—had a dialogue on divine hiddeness. I remember thinking it was a lot of fun: carefully working through things and seeing where we disagree. This is how it can be; it doesn't need to have enmity. In the Eastern Orthodox tradition, Father Stephen DeYoung and I have had numerous discussions about deep-seated disagreements. Never once have I felt that he's trying to tear me down personally, discredit me, or paint me as a toxic person. Rather, we're just having a professional disagreement, working through things. When I was at the marriage conference in California last year with Fr. Josiah Trenum and many other Eastern Orthodox Christians, it was the same thing. We have deep-seated disagreements, but that doesn't need to lead to enmity or lack of charity.
I'm mentioning some good models because I want us all to aim toward that and conduct our disagreements with charity. One last point before we move on: earlier I mentioned it's sometimes hard to know when to keep engaging with someone and when not to. In my book, I give a number of questions to work through that might help... I won't take time to read them right now. If you're struggling with when to keep talking and when not to, these questions might be helpful. The Art of Disagreeing goes into that more.
Listening
All right, let's finish quickly. Let's talk about two more areas where we can make progress in our disagreements. Number four of these five is listening, one of the most undervalued skills.Disagreement is usually not just about an explicit difference of judgment. It usually relates to a deeper difference of value, experience, or presupposition that we don't fully see. The only way to make progress in understanding why the other party disagrees so much is to slow down and listen. In any conversation, you may not fully see things right away; you have to listen, try to draw the other person out, and make progress in understanding. This is illustrated in an often-cited image: a man is holding onto a woman at the edge of a cliff. The man cannot see the snake biting the woman's arm, and the woman cannot see the boulder crushing the man. Each one is tempted to be exasperated. The man might think, “Why doesn't she pull herself up? Can't she tell that I'm being crushed?” The woman might think, “Why won't he pull me up? Can't he see I'm getting bitten? I'm about to fall.” Something like this can happen in many disagreements: you're not fully aware of the pain, anxiety, or thought process on the other side. The only way to make progress is to carefully listen.
A couple of ways we can do this. Number one, be patient in arriving at a conclusion. Part of listening is hanging in there a little bit and not immediately feeling like you have to rush to judgment. James 1:19 says, “Be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” What a great reminder for us in our disagreements. We don't have to immediately have an opinion. We can hang in there and keep drawing the person out a little bit.
A second thing we can do is ask clarifying questions. Sometimes you're in the middle of a disagreement and realize somehow we've gotten on different wavelengths. I'm not sure how, but we're just not in sync. A helpful way to get back on the same wavelength is to ask questions, especially in a non-adversarial way: “Help me understand this,” or “Tell me more about that. I'm curious why you said this over here.” You always need to be sincere in asking these questions, but they can help get you back in sync. Listening helps clarify where the disagreement even is.
I have a lot more to say about this, but I'll just say this last thing: pay attention to the little details of what someone says. Careful listening involves embracing complexity and nuance and treating each person on their own. Sometimes a little stray comment will give you enough information to follow up on, and this can result in ministry as well.
Let me give a scenario. Somebody mentions that their father is ill, but they don't make a big deal out of it. You're paying attention to the little details, so you remember that six months ago they also said their father was ill. Is he ill again? You ask, “Hey, I noticed you mentioned your father was ill. I remember you said that before. Is there anything I can be praying for you about?” This is a great thing you can do, even for people who are not followers of Jesus—just offer prayer. It's amazing the ministry opportunities and open doors for progress that can come about with little questions like that. It starts with noticing the little details.
Persuasion
Lastly, number five: persuasion. Listening is the more receptive part of a disagreement; persuasion is the more active part, and it is not wrong to be persuasive. I've discovered a lot of people feel negatively about persuasion because they associate it with manipulation, and that can happen. But persuasion is not necessarily manipulative. You can make a very loving and charitable attempt at persuasion.The book of Proverbs has a lot to say in praise of persuasive speech. So how do we grow in persuasion? Many ancient cultures valued rhetoric as an area of study alongside math, history, and other things.
Trust and tact To finish off, here are two ways we can grow in persuasion: trust and tact. Before I say these, let me say that persuasion has never been more difficult, I don't think. I recently read a New Yorker article called “Why Facts Don't Change Our Minds.” It was basically about a study done at Stanford in the 1970s, documenting how, once people have formed an opinion, it's very difficult for facts and data to dislodge it. The article says, “Coming from a group of academics in the 1970s, the contention that people can't think straight was shocking; it isn't any longer.” This has been clarified more and more, and of course we see it increasing today, probably with the role of the internet. It's very difficult to persuade people. This is the first point I want to make about trust.
In ancient Greek rhetoric, the three skills of persuasion were often broken down into logos, pathos, and ethos.
· Logos is the content of your speech, how you use logic to influence people.
· Pathos is your appeal to emotions and your own emotions to try to influence and persuade.
· Ethos refers to your credibility; it's your overall trustworthiness.
All of these are obviously important, but many studies suggest the most important is ethos. This is such a paradigm shift for many of us. If we're trying to make progress in a disagreement, we often assume what will really make the difference is having a stronger argument or saying it in a more compelling way. But actually, the biggest ingredient in any act of persuasion is simply: is the speaker trusted?
Trust is the most important ingredient in all communication. This is a paradigm shift. We realize we need to focus on that. Obviously, we can't fully control whether other people trust us, but we can do some things to help build that.
Act like Paul in 2 Corinthians 2:17, being sincere and speaking in the sight of God. I love that metaphor: speaking in an open, transparent, trustworthy way. When we've lost trust, sometimes being willing to apologize can restablish it. Sometimes it really helps to be sincere, honest, and candid. In a disagreement, it probably won't help trust if you're not open about where you're coming from and what your goal is in the conversation. Being human, kind, honest, and vulnerable can establish trust over time. Just being aware of that helps us know trust is key in any act of persuasion.
The second thing is tact, which means saying things in a way that reduces defensiveness and helps the other party save face whenever we can, not making them feel like a deer in the headlights.
All of this is complicated. In some disagreements, you have to be more blunt. But especially early on, it's worth considering how we can reduce adversarial language. There are ancient figures of speech like litotes, stating a positive in a negative—a form of understatement—or ways of reframing. If you work in a shoe store and someone is trying on shoes, there's a subtle but real difference between saying, “Your foot is way too big for this shoe,” and “This shoe is too small for your foot.” You're saying the same thing, but the second subtly puts a little less pressure on the other party. These are the kinds of things to think about: How can I persuade this person? How can I win them over? I've thought of and worked through all kinds of scenarios in classes about this, but let me just say: it's not wrong to be diplomatic, and it's not contrary to truth to think of the most persuasive and effective way to make your case, provided you're doing it with charity and sincerity.
Let me finish with this. Even when you do your best—and all of us fall short—we are all humble pilgrims. None of us is here saying, “Our team does disagreement right and you do it wrong. I do it right, you do it wrong.” No, no, no. Jesus is our model. We're all humble pilgrims trying to do better, and this video is trying to give us some practical steps.
Hostility
But what do you do when you're doing everything you can and you're still facing tremendous hostility from a person? As I say, sometimes you have to set a boundary and protect yourself. But how do you keep your own heart pure before Christ in that moment? That can be hard. It's so hard to keep an Alyosha-like purity and lack of contempt when you're facing real hostility. I think the answer, and what I want to leave you with, is radical focus on Jesus. Spend much time with Jesus. His love is like an endless waterfall gushing out of his heart, and it can work through us. We don't have to manufacture the love. We can collapse at the feet of Jesus, experience his love, and then it will flow through us to others. Let me give an image of that to finish with. Corrie Ten Boom, this wonderful Christian, was struggling with forgiveness once. I won't go into the details; it's very tough. She could not feel forgiveness in her heart for this man. Listen to the answer she found, and let this encourage you:
“His hand was thrust out to shake mine. This was a man who asked for her forgiveness. And I, who preached so often the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side. Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man. Was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him. I tried to smile and I struggled to raise my hand, but I couldn't. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth or charity. And so again, I breathed a silent prayer: Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness. As I took his hand, the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder, along my arm, and through my hand, a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me. Here it is. And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on his. When he tells us to love our enemies, he gives, along with the command, the love itself.”
I just want to encourage all of you in tough situations, amidst all the other complexities and nuances of knowing how different situations work. The Lord will give you wisdom with that. But underneath it all, this is available to us as well. You don't need to be strong enough or wise enough. Just collapse at the feet of Jesus. Let his love come to your heart first and then flow through you to others. And that is the way we will heal the world.
Thanks for watching, everybody. ...
The original video is here
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